My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
