I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize