Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
