At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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