No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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