true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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