nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
