the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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