all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
