Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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