They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
