I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
