He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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