I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
