you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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