Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
