Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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