I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize