Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got inside last night via doggy door
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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