I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
