Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
