every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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