Old men and throwing up are my life now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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