be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
