Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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