I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I looked at my own cervix.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
