I have demons in me.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
