ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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