Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize