my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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