I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
