It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
