history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
