my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
not ubering you a puppy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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