how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Randomize
