I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
