She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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