Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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