Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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