none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
