I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
