We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
