I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
