My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
