I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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