We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
