How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
