Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
