Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
