I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
