You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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