chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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