I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
