Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
