Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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