whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this just has baby written all over it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
